People wonder how Trump got the idea he wasn’t under investigation for colluding with the Russians during the campaign. Newly released transcripts of secret White House tapes reveal how it all went down.
(This diary originally appeared as a comment)
Trump: You can tell me, Comey, was my inauguration crowd the biggest, the most fantastic inauguration crowd you’ve ever seen?
Comey: Mr. President, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but you’re under FBI investigation so you might want to lawyer up.
Trump: Yeah, really, I thought so, too. Nobody ever thought a Republican could win the Electoral College. They said, hey, no way, but I know stuff, I’m a smart kind of person. It was the biggest.
Comey: Sir, I’m not talking about the campaign, I’m speaking about your money laundering activities with Russian Oligarchs through banks in Cypress using shell corporations to hide your activities and mask the paper trail.
Trump: Oh, right. So I’m not being investigated for colluding with the Russians during my historic and absolutely terrific and fantastic campaign? That’s a relief. I knew I wasn’t being investigated.
Comey: Sir…
Trump: This is the best chocolate pudding I’ve ever seen, it’s fantastic. It's probably the best chocolate pudding ever. It’s tremendous. We have the most beautiful chocolate pudding.
Comey: God dammit Donald, I’m trying to save your ass here. I handed you the election, I’ve done everything you’ve asked, now listen to me for once!
Trump: I heard you. I’m not being investigated for colluding with the Russians during the campaign. See this button? When I push it, they bring me a coke. Is that fantastic or what? I don’t even know how it works but if I push it, they bring me a coke. It's a beauti…
Comey: Ok, you are being investigated by the FBI for colluding with the Russians during the campaign.
Trump: Everyone says I’m the best president ever. It’s unbelievable. Everyone said I couldn’t win and now they’re all saying I’m the best. Have you seen my daughter Ivanka? She’s hot. So beautiful. Tremendous.
Comey: The Martians have landed in New Jersey and are destroying everything in their path.
Trump: Oh, it's starting to rain. Wow it’s coming down like cats and dogs! Have you ever heard that before…cats and dogs, because I just made that up. I think that’s great, cats and dogs, it means it's really raining hard. Nobody ever said that before, just me. Fantastic.
Ah, this coke can is impossible to open. Why do they have to make it so hard? Nobody can open a coke can. So sad.